Month: September 2011

Mums At Work

Mums at Work

We hear a lot in the media these days about put upon working mums and the pressures they face, even in 2011, trying to combine a career with raising a family. Allison Pearson’s 2002 novel “I Don’t Know How She Does It” about a harassed working mother has now been made into a film starring Sarah Jessica Parker. A decade on, Pearson’s portrayal of a professional woman multi-tasking and tying to juggle family life with a career is still relevant. Let’s examine some of the issues facing working mothers in particular and see what needs to change.

“Having it all”

We’ve written before about the American study that deems “having it all” impossible. Its findings show that the so-called “supermoms” who try to be fantastic at work and at home put themselves under too much pressure and are more likely to succumb to depression. By comparison, those working mums who are more “realistic” and recognise that they cannot do it all fare much better.

In the opening scene of “I Don’t Know How She Does It” the protagonist, Kate Reddy, is in the kitchen furiously bashing shop-bought mince pies in an attempt to make them look homemade. It’s a very funny scene but it also pinpoints the societal pressure on women to work both the domestic and the professional. Hopefully, ten years on, most women have learned to accept that they can’t do it all. Outsourcing the household chores as much as is financially possible as well as educating one’s partner to see childcare as a shared responsibility goes some way towards helping ease the burden. Allowing a certain amount to slide is also an option! We can neither have it all nor do it all.

Staying put

In the trailer for “I Don’t Know How She Does It”, SJP’s character manically makes lists, rushing from the office to home while a neighbour tells her she and her kids “just fooled about in the park today”. When the pressures of juggling work with running a household and looking after the family seem overwhelming, it’s tempting to think that staying at home would be a doddle by comparison. But research shows again and again that work is good for women. Jamie Oliver, quoted in The Sunday Times Magazine at the weekend says that as he sees it, the women “that are most happy are the two- to three-dayers. I see both models of mum [those that work and those that stay at home] and definitely the ones that remain engaged, vivacious, humorous, have got the mechanism of work in their lives”. So according to Jamie, and others, there is a middle way.

Making it work

The fact is most women nowadays want to go out to work as well as have a family. Many have to in order to pay the bills. Excellent childcare is a must and NannyJob can help you in your quest to find the right nanny. If you wish to share a nanny and cut down on your childcare costs then that’s also an option.

And while it’s true that a good nanny will definitely lighten the working mum’s load, other things come into play too. A recent discussion on Radio 4’s “Women’s Hour” suggested that men were at the heart of any change in working practices amongst women. Having your partner share in household duties as well as getting them to share pick-ups and drop-offs will help. In the debate about rising childcare costs, we most often hear about women quitting their jobs because their take home pay after childcare means “it’s just not worth it”. Surely the childcare costs should be deducted from the parents’ joint income? Childcare needs to become the domain of men as well as women. And of course it’s not going to be perfect. Your partner may not do things exactly as you do; however, once again, being realistic is most important. With your partner’s cooperation, life is made somewhat easier for you.

Work life balance

Women need to remember too to slot in some “me time” in their busy lives. Merely getting out and going for a walk with a friend is good for your health and wellbeing. Prioritise this. The old adage “what’s good for mother is good for baby [or child]” is true.

So working women are under pressure – as are working men, we’ll leave that article for another day. What’s new you say? Accepting our limits and learning to compromise and assert ourselves will bring us some way towards harmony at home and at work.

Learning to Say “No”

Four years ago, UNICEF caused a stir with a report that ranked British children as the unhappiest in the industrialised world. Now it has compared the experience of children in the UK with that of their counterparts in Sweden and Spain – countries that came in the top five – in an attempt to discover why. Again, the UK is found wanting. The research suggests that parents lose out on spending time together as a family, due in part to long working hours, and often try to make amends by buying their children designer goods and toys.

“Brand bullying” pressurises parents
“Parents in the UK almost seemed to be locked into a system of consumption which they knew was pointless but they found hard to resist,” said Agnes Nairn, the report’s author.”While children would prefer time with their parents to heaps of consumer goods, parents seem to find themselves under tremendous pressure to purchase a surfeit of material goods for their children,” she added.

Family interaction and outdoor play
Interestingly, children told researchers that their happiness was dependent upon spending time with family and friends and having “plenty to do outdoors”. The report also criticized British parents for using television “as a babysitter” and for allowing children to play computer games for long periods, depriving them of fresh air.

Looking to Spain and Sweden
Of course, there are dangers in over-interpreting international quality-of-life tables, as there are with interpretations of league tables of all kinds. Countries and cultures differ, and what works in one place, may not work in another. And it is a fact that our economy is dependent upon us purchasing material goods. All the same, it is worth considering the study’s findings and what it says about our attitudes to bringing up children. The study found that in Spain and Sweden, family time is prioritised and people feel less pressure to own material goods. Their example might give food for thought to British families.

How to?
So how do we squeeze in time with our children and not give them as much “stuff”?  Sure, the government and employers need to do their bit to help parents better balance work and family life through more flexible and generous parental leave and flexible working. But what can we do in an effort to stop our children becoming increasingly materialistic? We need to learn to say “no” more to demands for new gadgets and/or games. This will entail spending more time with our children, rather than giving a toy to keep tears or a tantrum at bay. Or explaining to them that they can’t always have everything they want even if it is the latest item/fashion accessory that “all” their friends have. Its harder work and more difficult for us to learn when most of us have the means to pay for it. We’re not saying it’s easy!

Learning how
Think about the benefits of your child not always getting what they want. Hearing “no” now and again teaches children to be motivated, appreciative, happy human beings. To many, MORE is always better. However, if this is true then there will never be enough – because someone will always have more than you do. Constantly giving in to your child’s demands robs them of the opportunity to develop motivation and drive in their own lives. Instead they grow up over-valuing things – but lack the drive to work for those things – yet feel entitled to them and even expect things should come easily.

There is a wealth of information available on this topic in parenting books and on the internet so we’re not going to expand on it here. It seems sometimes that parents are forever being blamed for not doing enough for their children, but rather than reacting negatively to the UNICEF study or simply ignoring it, it may be helpful for couples to consider whether they might spend a little more time with their children rather than giving them things. And spending time outdoors is good for adults as well as kids. So let them run around a bit in the fresh air and you get out too. Take it easy!